By the way, this whole missive is based on the presumption that I don't have, nor do I display, any bad habits or practices when out walking - it's always someone else's fault!
So, you walk out your front door, onto the sidewalk, and head off in your desired direction. As a normal human being your mind and thought processes will be on either, what you're going to have for lunch, or whether or not you forgot to turn off the stove. This will remain the case until your first encounter with other pedestrians. If you're lucky this could happen after you've walked a hundred metres or so, but it's more likely to happen as soon as you step out onto the sidewalk.
Now, it might be that your fellow pedestrians are moving in the opposite direction, across your path, or simply be standing in the middle of the footpath. Regardless of this, as you get closer you with be forced to make a decision. This decision will normally be influenced by your frame of mind over the past few hours. If things have gone well and you're feeling that all's right with the world you will kindly cede right of way to the other party - perhaps even with a smile on your face - and, as ships passing in the night, continue on your way secure in the knowledge that you've done the right thing.
However, if you've had the day from hell, and you're fed up with the injustice of life, you will stride forward with the assurance that you have the sole right to be in that particular space at that particular time. If this is the case, be aware that the majority of Parisian pedestrians use a different mindset. They are able to adopt an attitude whereby all other pedestrians cease to exist as animate objects, and all other pedestrians, including fellow Parisians, will be treated the same way they treat a lamppost, or a bollard, or a motor bike, or - believe it or not - a car.
This might be misconstrued as rude behaviour but, not so. A rude attitude requires that the person be aware of a more civilised alternative and has consciously chosen to act like an arse. In the case of the true Parisian, pedestrian behaviour has been consistently embedded on their frontal lobes since their childhood, and in their minds, there is no alternative means of behaviour. This is proven by the fact that you constantly see parents demonstrating this mode of behaviour to their children as you wander along.
To digress a little bit: There are lots of shops in Paris that sell glasses. They are on just about every street corner and you will also find them interspersed amongst other shops in all sorts of unlikely places. This is because all Parisian pedestrians are totally short-sighted. This is borne out by the fact that, almost without exception, they cannot see other people coming toward them - actually, thinking about it, it doesn't seem to matter if they're wearing glasses or not. If one happens to be coming towards you, don't expect them to veer to one side or the other as they get closer. The true Parisian will maintain their line of advance until you either...
1. Move hastily sideways at ninety degrees to clear their path.
2. Stop and look confused.
3. Move forward unhesitatingly holding your own line of advance.
This last method was discovered by my wife after deciding she'd had enough of ducking, diving and generally trying to do the right thing.
Now, if you've used Method 1 to bypass the pedestrian, don't expect any form of acknowledgment on their part. This won't happen 'cause your presence won't even have registered on their consciousness.
If you've used Method 2, you'll have found yourself braced for an impact that won't happen. Instead you'll feel a slight breeze on the side of your face as they, somehow, slide by you without pause.
However, if you use Method 3 and you're very alert, you'll see a phenomenon known as "The Sholder Roll". As the opposing pedestrian approaches you, again, you will feel the need to brace yourself for impact. But at the last second, the true Parisian will execute a Sholder Roll and slide by you, again without pause. Now, if the pedestrian is travelling alone, they'll normally execute a "forward sholder roll". This allows them to take an extra step towards your face before they slide by. However, if they're with friends, they'll execute a "backwards sholder roll". This enables them to remain fully involved with their friends while still causing you to think you're going to collide, while they slide right on by.
Now, being a person who likes to integrate themselves into whichever society I'm currently in, I've attempted on a few occasions to emulate this "sholder roll", but unfortunately every attempt so far has ended in abject failure, closely followed by my utterance of the French version of "pardon!"
While in Paris I've found the French to be very amiable people who like to converse with their friends at every opportunity - regardless of location. So be aware of the "street meet". This can happen without warning and cause you to come to a complete and befuddled stop in very close proximity to a group of strangers.
When this happens and you find your way blocked, don't expect to be acknowledged in any way, nor expect that a pathway will be opened for you. In these circumstances you have two alternatives...
Alternative 1.
Move backwards, pass behind the closest car (if there's room) and move into the street to bypass the "street meet". Be aware, if you are too slow using this method, or if you're delayed by moving traffic, the "street meet" will have finished and the group will move forward, so when you get back to the sidewalk you'll still find yourself behind them. If this is the case be ready for the next "street meet" by this group.
Alternative 2.
Pretend you're a Parisian and just plow right on through.
Now you know how at traffic lights they have those little red and green men that flash at you from time to time? And then sometimes they stay on for awhile, but never both at the same time? Well, they have the same thing in Paris, but I'm not sure why, 'cause as well as being short-sighted, all Parisian pedestrians are colour blind. See...
If you're like me and a little afraid of Paris traffic, you'll want to wait for the little green man to appear. But be aware that you're likely to get a shove in the back during some period of your wait, 'cause a true Parisian will push past you to march straight across.
Surprisingly, being in Paris for more than a week must qualify you as a Parisian, 'cause we find ourselves following the mob from time to time now.
Danger! Danger! Danger! A person is coming out of the shop!
Be careful! When someone comes out of a shop, 'cause they'll do one of two things...
Take two paces onto the sidewalk and stop...
When they do this, be prepared for anything. In this case all three women, who had just come out of a shop immediately in front of me, decided they were going the wrong way, turned and came straight at me, causing me to turn and flee!
Now, once you're aware of these basic conventions you can normally move through the pedestrian traffic without too much bother. But like anywhere else, the unexpected can always cause some degree of annoyance and frustration. I was going to tell you about Parisian umbrellas and how they create a force field when deployed that a fellow pedestrian can't penetrate without risk of losing an eye, but I've had enough of this rubbish so I'm gonna stop.
Just one final thing, given the amount of kilometres we've walked over the last 10 days - which is a lot - we're doing ok, and I'm totally convinced that if you want to "see" a City, leave the tours 'till later and buy yourself some decent shoes and just get out there.
You'll be surprised at what you find!
Here's a few photos of the Eiffel Tower. Do you think I've gone over the top with photos?
Yeah, me too!
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